The Life of Forrest Gump

I would like to tell you about my day yesterday. It was an interesting day...and by interesting day, I mean I am glad it was yesterday and already done. It was the Mid-summer SOAR Leader Retreat. I was responsible for planning and organizing this whole shin dig. The only parameters I was given was to have an "educational component" in the morning then funness in the afternoon. So, I chose beautiful Hilton Head. We were to go to a pottery painting studio for everyone to paint a tile after they reflected on how they had grown as a person and as a leader- they then had to artistically express that progression on their tile then present it to the group (they will get them back at the end of the summer banquet presented as one huge tile showing how everyone has been tied together during the summer, but then tell how it is now time to take their experiences and what they have learned to keep growing and take their new knowledge into their respective futures- their tiles will then be handed back to them). We were scheduled to eat at a burger-ish place called One Hot Mama's and then they were given 4 options for the afternoon, including the beach, outlet mall, movies, and mini golf. I had everything nicely planned and organized....I will now tell you how it really went. I had to drive a 12 passenger van (Erin drove the other). If you remember who I am, you remember I am not a good driver. Also, do not think I did not tell all the people in my van to buckle up because most highway accidents that occur every year happen in 12-passenger vans. I had printed out a whole book of mapquest directions for Erin and I, but I told her I could lead from Statesboro to The Art Cafe (pottery place) in Hilton Head because I had Kevin (the GPS). Well, it is a possibility that Erin thought I was under the influence yesterday morning, as I was swerving all over the lanes. Huge vans are hard to maneuver...especially when you are trying to bond with 1/2 the orientation team by singing Spice Girls' Do You Wannna Be My Lover at the top of your lungs. One example, I swerved across 2 lanes on the interstate to get off at one of the exits...I thought Kevin was telling me I still had a while to go. The Art Cafe is located at 1 North Forest Beach Dr. Kevin took us to 1 North Forest Dr. Those two streets are not the same. It was 15 minutes away from our location...so we entered the island on the wrong side. We put the correct address in Kevin, and I felt pretty ok about only getting there 10 minutes late. But Kevin was trying to take us down roads that did not exist...and the Joan look alike (that was for you, cousin) could not have gone down dirt paths through the woods. There was a lot of turning around and backing up. This does not pair well with 20 college students and a supervisor. We finally made it to The Art Cafe...30 minutes late. I had a slight break down in the van after I pushed everyone out. The rest of the day went..ok. We ate at One Hot Mama's. There was a waitress there who was a SOAR Leader in 1995, which was a great experience for our team, showing them that they can be whatever they want to be after they graduate b/c of their experience with SOAR. We then headed to the beach. A few people wanted to go putt putt instead, so I took them to mini golf, dropped them off and proceeded to head back to the beach. As I am climbing out of the van and walking toward the direction of surf and sand, i receive a voicemail (my great phone decided to not actually ring). I check the voicemail. It was left by one of the SOAR Leaders I had just dropped off. She sounded frantic...and out of breath. "Josh! (panting) You are not answering your phone. They only accept (panting) cash. I just literally chased you down the road. I was running next to the van and you did NOT stop.(panting) JOSH, you did not stop. Ok, so ya know, when you get this you can call me back. bye (panting)" It was a pretty great voicemail. I stayed at the beach the whole time while half the group went to the outlet mall. I saw a real live starfish and live sand dollars. That was my beach excitement. Skip to us meeting the other van of peeps at the outlet mall so we can head back home. Kevin, once again, tells me the most difficult way possible to get to the outlet mall. He asks if I want to take the toll road to the mall. I press no so I will not have to hit up the students for $1.25. Well, as we are coming onto the toll bridge, I start to get angry with kevin for not doing what I say. So out loud I say to the students "Why did Kevin do this. (I repeat back the question he asked me) 'Do you want to avoid the toll roads?' I said NO......ohhhhhhh...." So after all of the SOAR Leaders stopped laughing at me for being a huge dumbass....they then took up a church offering of $1.25. Afterwards, Kevin makes me cut across a highway of high speed traffic AFTER we pass the mall. Well, I decide to cut across, which causes all of the people in the van to start screaming uncontrollably, as I narrowly missed being sideswiped by an oncoming van (not like the Joan impostor we were in...I mean a mini-van). Anywho, we get the rest of the group and I tell Erin she can lead the way back to good ole Statesboro. On the way back, we listen to Erin's mix cd from her freshmen year of college. Think 2001ish hardcore rap music. It was interesting. That was the end of the trip. All in all i think they all had a good day...it, however, could have gone smoother.

So, this summer I am interning with orientation at Georgia Southern University in the metropolis of Statesboro, GA. I have had the privelege of major professional development experiences over the past seven weeks- I categorize it as professional development because I wear a suit a lot, and that makes me look pretty important (and just down right snazzy). Tell me who else can answer questions about who knows what to a university I have been at for approx 2 weeks (at the beginning of the orientation sessions) while hustling across the gorgeous south Georgia weather of 116 degrees (heat index)? Well let me raise two thumbs, because that's this guy. Ok, so now to my real story...

Last week was a special orientation for a certain population of student (I will not explain the population because I don't want you to have to slave over reading this. You're welcome.)...needless to say, we had 1200 students and parents for the Friday-Saturday session. On Thursday, we opened the Rec center for all of our little peeps to come check-in with us at the front of the building, then move to another part of the building to pick up housing keys, make their IDs, fin aid, blah blah blah. Well, at approx 4:27 pm, a mother and daughter duo walk into our lavish recreational activity center (that is not sarcasm, btw- its a pretty sweet set-up) to check-in for SOAR. With an aura of excitment and a giddy pep in her step the daughter proceeds to the back of the building to our other services. The mom, however, turns around to walk back out of the building toward the parking lot. Let me tell you my placement during this series of events: front and center gretting people as they enter. The mother re-enters the building rushing back to meet her daughter as she is carrying a hamster cage. No, you did not read the incorrectly, I infact did say she was carrying a hamster cage. And not just a dingy one at that, it was the Deluxe version with tunnels, wheels, a nice little pent house sitting on top...the whole shebang basically. One of the professionals walked up to the mother to hault her from moving any farther into the building. "Excuse me ma'am...no animals are allowed inside the building." The mother says she did not want to leave them in the weather (I am not sure why as it was only 101 degrees at the time). As if it were completely normal that she brought a hamster cage (with live hamsters in it) to orientation, the professional told the woman to lay the cage on a table in the front and to retrieve it after her and her daughter were finished with all the good stuff in the back. Once the woman walked away from the area, my supervisor became extremely excited to go look at the 2 hamsters. She runs over to see them run in their tunnels and what have you. After approximately 15 seconds, she looks up from the cage to announce that the hamsters were, in fact, dead. Both hamsters...not a single breath left in their little lungs. She has someone come over to confirm. They really are two dead hamsters in the middle of the cage. Now I was told rigamortas had not set-in at this point...but who knows.

Well, this information leaks to all of the orientation leaders that are present at the time. Most of them look and gasp, a few laugh (at this point I am uncontrollably laughing...crying laughing), while one of our leaders had started to cry. She's just a sweet lil girl. So the mother daughter duo finally come back to the front of the building after what seems like an eternity. Everyone has scampered away from the lobby area as they do not want to be blamed for the death of two adorable (sarcasm, btw) hamsters. The daughter immediately notices her pets have kicked the can....and our orientation leader that was crying earlier..well she is now sobbing, with mascera running down her face. Needless to say she was hiding on the other side of a wall so she would not be noticed. I am intentionally standing on the opposite side of a rather large column crying...not from sadness, but from laughter due to the ridiculousness of the entire event. The family leaves...with a little less pep in their step than when they entered.

You think the story ends there, well it doesn't. There is a prequel you should also know about. Your thoughts are the hamsters died of heat exhaustion since they were left inside of a car for 10ish minutes in 100+ degree heat, right? Well, you are wrong. I find out the next day the real reason they most likely died. The van the hamster-killing duo rode in on the way down from Atlanta did not have air conditioning. Now they feel so bad for these little creatures who are not receiving the proper amount of ventilation. Solution: hold the entire hamster cage outside of the window as they are driving 70mph down the interstate. My theory: they died of either shock...or over inflated lungs. Poor poor little creatures.

Ok, that is the end of my extremely long story. Hope you're having a great summer. Happy Wednesday!